03 ♥ text / spam

[synchronous]

[ text ]

Everything appears normal to me. Nobody's sprouted an extra head or started talking in tongues, right?


[ spam ]

[ Dirk may be somewhat of a hikikomori most of the time, but he can't stay in his room 24/7. This afternoon he just sort of casually pokes his head into the cybernetic maintenance facility, curious about what exactly is in here.

He can also be found walking through the halls on his way there, on his way back to his room, and later on in the dining hall, for anyone who may want to bother him and/or take advantage of the fact that he is totally affected by this flood. ]

Comments

[fearmonger]

[ UGHHHH. There's no way he can back out right now either without looking like the coward. ]

It's not that simple. It was like. Layered. And complex. A human could never get it??? So fuck you. And your annoying assumptions.

And. No. That's not an invitation to ask more questions.

[synchronous]

I'll rein my curiosity in if you can do the same.

[fearmonger]

[ He totally has to get back at him now tho. ]

Fine. But here. Take another question. For the rodeo.

What's the one thing you regret most.

[synchronous]

[ He facepalms. ]

Making the AR.

[ OFF HE GOES. He's heading back for his room, where he's going to grab a nice sturdy pair of headphones. ]

[fearmonger]

[ Ok things are back in place. ]

I agree. The false. Red colored you blows. BUT. Why?

[ Caliborn follows after, as much as walking backwards in front of him is following. ]

[synchronous]

Because I have to put up with his shit and get a taste of what it's like for everyone else to interact with me, okay?!

What did you mean when you said Calliope took too much control from you?

[fearmonger]

[ He starts to laugh but then promptly stops when he asks The Question. Caliborn is very mad. ]

We used to share a body. I'd go to sleep. And she'd take over. That was the main thing. But. She was also "smarter". And would constantly flaunt it.

... The other you is insufferable. You're also. Kind of insufferable. But in a wayyyy more palatable way?? Than the red bullshit glass and plastic motherfucker.

[ Dirk became much more lame over time as a natural occurrence of Caliborn getting cooler people to talk to. But there's only one way to see if Dirk really is bottom rung pretend awesome. ]

Do you hate yourself.

[synchronous]

[ Well that explains some things. Before Dirk can say anything about it, though, Caliborn pops the question. Dirk slams his fist against the wall and answers through gritted teeth. ]

I hate myself even more than I hate these bullshit questions you won't quit asking.

How's it feel knowing everyone liked your sister better than you?

[fearmonger]

I don't care. Is the thing? You guys knew. Literally. Nothing about her. How we grew up. What we even were. How long did you think. That we were trolls? Up right until the end. Of her worthless life, right? And only because she broke the god damn rules. Making her a fucking cheater on top of it all.

I know her through and through. And you guys. Just. Never did. And never can, now that she's gone. Just. Like. A mirage.

[ He grins, wide and purely malicious. ]

How do you feel. With your bullshit cool face. Just. Utterly dismantled. To reveal the unironic. Bullshit interior below. By the one guy. Who goes on. Almost definitely. To whack you and your friends. All out of existence?

[synchronous]

Yeah, pretty much.

[ Dirk picks his pace up. He barrels down a flight of stairs. His room's not far! ]

Feels pretty shitty. I really don't think you're gonna do that last thing, though.

[fearmonger]

[ Caliborn is in step with Dirk the entire way. ]

I'm going to.

Who do you even think was responsible. For your godtiering? That troll empress who brutalized your planet. Directly killed that bro of yours. That you're sooo fond of. And Lalonde's mom too. Who do you think was giving her orders? Me. My future self. I have all the dominoes lined up. And. I'm going to tip them over. At the perfect moment.

I also figured out a few tricks. Using your floppy juju man.

If you don't believe me. Ask it straight up. In a way. Where I can't even bluff.

[synchronous]

[ Dirk frowns; Caliborn brags a lot, but it doesn't feel like he's lying here.

He stops walking, almost missing a step but catching himself on the handrail. ]

The fuck? I thought you hated Lil Cal.

[fearmonger]

[ Smug as can be, Caliborn answers promptly. ]

I did. But that was stupid.

The stuff I thought back then. Wasn't wrong, though. It was empty. And it was going to unleash a fucking curse on any universe it entered. But the thing is. That's also because of me.

[ He doesn't hide how fucking giddy he sounds. Not a lick. ]

The best part. About being a Time player. Is that. You kind of get this shit instinctively! You're a dude of Heart. You should get the idea. Of Lil Cal. Being a literal vessel for my soul? If I phrase it that way.

I can't believe Jake didn't tell you ANY of this. He had plenty of time. And I told him exactly. Clearly. What was going to happen.

[synchronous]

Yeah, well, Jake got a little side-tracked.

So, what, you got your hands on him? How'd that happen? And what "curse", exactly?

[fearmonger]

[ Bleh, direct questions. He's annoyed that Dirk's doing what he can to get better footing. ]

I got my hands on him, yeah. I lived on. Like. Some boring, sandy version of Earth. With a lot of ugly statues. So I think. He stayed at the bottom of the ocean. When you dropped him, I mean. And we dug him up later. In my session, I mean.

The curse is obvious. It's the promised destruction of that particular universe.

[ That's his interpretation, anyways. ]

[synchronous]

[ Well, at least the C-Man is okay. It sounds like. ]

You're using my best friend in the entire world for your genocidal bullshit? I don't think so.

[fearmonger]

[ Haa haa haa. Dumb laughter activate. ]

Hell yes I am. And. For the record? He's MY best friend now.

That lil Cal. Soooo fickle. Always jumping. To the newest best thing. Thankfully. He's found the BEST PERSON. In all of existence. You can't go higher. Without stepping off the edge.

He makes me feel so gay.

[synchronous]

He--

[ Dirk opens his mouth and lifts a finger up to say something, but that last remark catches him super off-guard. He closes his mouth again. ]

Man, whatever.

[ And he starts down the stairs again. Now to just make sure Caliborn can't fuck him over any further. ]

How old are you, what's your favorite color, have you ever caught e. coli from all that nasty uncooked meat, and what's your favorite childhood memory?

[fearmonger]

[ Oh my god. What's wrong with a little gayness with a puppet, Dirk. He can't even get that out before the barrage of questions. ]

I'm seventeen. My favorite color is RED. My natural fucking diet is raw meat. And my favorite childhood memory. Is making my sister lose her shit over chess.

[ He clears his throat. ]

What's weird about my relationship. With the floppy, velvety plush man.

[synchronous]

"Gay" is just not how I want to hear that described.

[ WALKING FASTER. ]

How'd that chess game go? Give me a move-by-move breakdown.

[fearmonger]

[ He completely DOES NOT GET IT. ]

Ugh. Is there some double meaning there?? I was told it meant. Like. Jolly ole time. That kind of shit.

[ Yes he's not dropping that. Stepping in front and backstepping again. ]

I got her to agree to switched king and queen positions. BUT. I put on some crowns to my pieces. Disguising the queen as a king. And the king as a queen. So I wasn't breaking a single rule. But she was.

It was great. She LOST IT when it turned out. That her checkmate. Was bogus bullshit. And she was a fucking cheater.

[synchronous]

Yes, there's a double meaning.

[ Dirk squints. ]

Uh, sorry, bro, but sounds to me like you're the one who was cheating.

[fearmonger]

What's the double meaning you dunderfuck.

[ Caliborn glares. ]

I didn't pull a single illegal move bro. Nothing I did. Directly fucking contradicted the rules of chess. I moved the pieces the way they were supposed to be moved. In actuality. Instead of clever disguise reality.

[synchronous]

Look, I don't know anything about chess, but you deceived her when she was just trying to do something nice for you. You're clearly in the wrong here.

[ He reaches his door and puts a hand on the doorknob. ]

And "gay" is an outdated human romance term referring to same-gender attraction. The "jolly" meaning was deprecated even before Jane and Jake were-- [ Oh. ] Jake told you that, didn't he.

[fearmonger]

It's still not cheating. No matter how underhanded. Or dastardly it was.

[ DIVING FOR DIRK'S WRIST TO YANK IT OFF THE DOORKNOB ]

There's a WORD for that??

-- And yes. He did.